Visiting The In-Laws, Out In The Boonies... A.K.A Gray, Maine

Isn't it great how your social life can be put on stand-by when life forces your closet friends to be unavailable. Of course you have all heard me bitch and complain about Brett getting a job, therefore infringing on me and Kaylyn's weekend escapades. But to make matters worse, my other best friends, Ashley, Matt, and Hunter are also gone....gone far far away, visiting his parents in Gray Maine. I'm sure I could only in my wildest dreams possibly imagine all the adventures one could have in the desolate wilderness of Gray. Though I have never been, I can almost see it as though I were there.....

The smell of wood burning in the fireplace. Bonnie, Matt's wonderful Betty Crocker-like mother, is probably sitting in her old rocking chair, with her long hair twisted in a bun at the top of her head, knitting while the chatter of CNN news plays in the background. Ashley sitting on the couch staring at the long pointed sticks, twirling in Bonnie's long graceful hands. Boredom induced, she finds herself pondering on all the many ways one could kill themselves with them. She blinks, interrupting her long disturbing day dream. She notices the book she brought in case of an emergency, sitting on the coffee table. For a brief moment the thought occurs to her to pick it up and actually start reading it. The door slams. David (Matt's dad whom is a man of few words and reminds me of Paul Bunyan), Matt, and Hunter walk in. The boys have just gotten back from shooting. Matt proud of the huge buck he shot, Hunter in tears cuz daddy just killed Bambi...

Ashley, I'm sure your are bored out of your mind without the great company of your closet friends. So I made a list of all kinds of fun adventures you could seek and do while in Maine.

1. widdling wood into the shape of a wooden pickle

2. go rock collecting and then paint them into rock creatures

3. visit the Gray Historical Society Building

4. seek treasures at the local swap meet and yard sales

5. sit on the front porch and learn to play the banjo

6. have a non-alcoholic beverage at Maine's famous Loose Moose Saloon

7. compete in a lawn mower race

8. attend Matt's class reunion and stare at all the ugly homely girls

9. hits some balls at Gray's Spring Meadows Golf Club

10. go shooting and blow some shit up

11. paint your toe nails

12. paint Matt's toe nails

13. eat a bag of pop rocks, chugg a pepsi and see what happens

14. go to their church and steal one of their hymn books

15. eat some frozen custard at Hodgman's

16. take Tylenol PM and see how long you can sleep

17. become the ultimate Yo-Yo master

18. visit town cemetery

19. have Bonnie teach you to cook

20. make a macaroni noodle art piece

21. grow a mullet

Ash, I hope these awesome suggestions help pass the time. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! We miss you!

My Buddy, My Buddy, My BUDDY & ME

We may both ride the short bus...but nevertheless she is my best friend! Whom I have not seen, ummmm yeah! Whom I have not seen since Halloween. What the hell! Thanks Brett, thanks a lot. You have to go and be all richy rich and get a job. Can't even tell you what a bummer it has been. She's the only person that gets my dry sense of humor. She's the only person I can call a whore and expect the same endearing term in return. She's the only person that I can get slopppy with and shake my rump with. She's the only person who I can act like a total dumb ass around, and not worry about what she may be thinking of me. Purely due to the fact she's probably acting like a total dumb ass too! It's amazing what good friends we have become in such a short time. And I get to see her in just 3 days. What would I do with out her...my partner in crime.

SnuggieLicious: Confessions Of A Snuggie Lover

It's just plain embarrassing. What can I say. For me, they have always been the little nerdy kid at the playground that you push off the swing and laugh at. The butt of many jokes. And now I have committed the ultimate sin. I own one. You heard me. Let's just see if my fingers will actually let me type it...I own a Snuggie. Now that you have done your appalled gasp, let me continue. Who was dumb enough to actually make a blanket with arms and think people would actually buy them...a mother-f#$%* millionaire that's who! As for me the last straw was "the new fashionable designer snuggie in cheetah and zebra print". Who the hell can resist zebra print! Seriously,come on folks! And to make matters worse they now have Doggie Snuggies! Like the many of the "As seen on TV" fads, I'm sure it will eventually die. But I will be able to look back and laugh at the fact that I actually bought one!

The Light At The End Of The...Tunnel?

As I was starting my new blog entry, Chaz asked me what new, crazy thing I was writing. I began to tell him I was gonna write about me being burnt out on optimism, so many people in my life are constantly in one never ending shit storm after another. How helpless I felt when my best friend called me up crying to tell me some not so good news or when my dad is sad and frustrated about of my step-moms undiagnosed health condition.
Then I got the look. He said "people don't wanna read about that stuff." I knew what he was saying was true. I hate reading things that leave me feeling wounded. I had to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be the in the direction we are wanting but there is always a light!

What The Hell Is Beer Pong!

A drinking game in which players attempt to throw ping pong balls across a table into an opponent's half-filled cups of beer. Players are required to drink the beer from any of their cups into which the opponent throws a ball. The first player to hit all their opponent's cups wins. The loser is required to drink whatever beer is left on the table (in opponent's cup). For sanitary reasons a cup of water is kept at either end of the table to wash the balls off after each throw, but if you've ever played you know it doesn't really help!

DO NOT DISTURB: Chocolate Fantasy In Progress

We are pathetic, I know. While my best friend attempts to eliminate srum-diddley-ump-cious things from her diet, as you can see Pyke and I are indulging. Some how the fact I have lost a few pounds, gives me an excuse to "reward" myself. And there is nothing better than having a buddy that totally supports your horrible decision!

Night Of The Living Dead!

What a night! We all survived. No one passed out on the drive-way this year! No serious injuries or hang overs, another than Jesus had a few bruises from all the break dancing! That's what I said...Jesus, not HAY-SOOS, but actually Jesus. Our friend Del came as Jesus!

My day started off early, getting the entire house decorated. Unfortunately I was solo due to every one's work schedule. A trip to "the Walmart" and then off to the Liqour store. Woo-Hoo!Which I love, because the clerk always does a very cautious examination of my drivers license, then my old balls don't feel so old.

Chaz made it home early, so we could put his hair in curlers...which by the way he looked fabulous! Then I started on his make-up! Once I got his done, I helped Brett finish up and started with Kaylyn's, Chris's, Zach's, B-Ray's, some Chinese foreign exchange student's, and finally myself. I don't know why everyone wants me to do their make-up...I only worked in cosmetics for a couple of years, so I can't say it's a talent, but I enjoy it.

Slowly everyone made their way to our Dead Man's Party. We started the night off with Beer Margaritas, then some Midori Sour's, some Root Beer Vodka, and Ardo and I bonded over a shot of Tequila. I know what your thinking...a night destined for disaster. A wise man once said "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me-so let's do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."

After a little liquid courage, some of us started bust'in some moves on the dance floor. I always love having my Kaylyn with me, she is the best dance partner ever, especially since the only dance moves Chaz knows is the Hill Billy Stomp (you know, Kid Rocks' "put your legs in the air like you wet your pants"). So we danced are night away while others played the strategic game of Beer Pong! Unfortunately we all dance like a bunch of white folks, but nevertheless entertaining! But Humphries (Ryan) some how talked the Chinese foreign exchange student into bust'in some of his own moves, and that definitely took the cake!

As the night wound down, I started to see bits and pieces of my husbands costume strung throughout the house, John (who came as "Dead John") was rock'in a mullet wig, and Sasha, Ardo, and I were bust'in some crazy techno-rave like grooves. Eventually, the living dead slowly began to die away from the party.

Only a small group of us remained; Chaz, Brett, Kaylynee, Humphries, Zach, and me. My warm bath tub was calling to me, so I finally decided to hit the hay. Brett and Kaylyn had to head home, because Brett had a test in a few hours. Humphries passed out mid-conversation with Zach and Chaz, they then escorted him up to the guest bedroom (which he didn't remember)to tuck him in. That left Zach and Chaz. Zach had the pleasure of dealing with my drunk'in wild husband and his funny "back in the day" stories. My poor brother Zach...he was the last man standing.

How ever will we beat this Dead Man's Party!? Here's to next Halloween!!!



Costumes: Brett and Kaylyn- Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovitt's, Chaz and Me- Tim Burton's Mad Hatter and Alice, Zach- Betelgeuse, Chris- Cowboy, B-Ray- Pirate, Del and Jana'- Jesus and Mary Magdalen, Ardo and Sasha- Soccer player and Ref, Ashley- Fairy, Tiffany-Cinderella, Brandi and her I'm sure traumatized returned missionary date- Country Folk, Ryan Humphries- James Dean, John and Allison- Dead John and Distraught Housewife, Chinese Foreign Exchange Student-....not quite sure....



pSerendipity: I have enjoyed all your hilarious comments! I know that you have been trying to understand our love for Halloween. I have been trying to think of a clever answer to your question. Costumes? Haunted Houses? Spooky Decor? Then I decided to put in terms I knew you would understand. I guess it comes right down to this reason, just one more excuse to spend and have a great memorable time with people you love. Need I say more!