Happily Ever Schlange

Project Guinea Pig Commences

2010-12-18T12:15:00.003-07:00

How he could say no to that sweet face is beyond me. All Kaylyn wants for christmas is little furry companion. Well buddy me and Chaz have your back! This was an email that was sent to Brett from a furry friend:

Hi Brett,
I don't have a computer or opposable thumbs so i had chaz write this for me. i am just sending this email out to tell anyone if they can open their hearts to me for the holidays. I have fallen on some rough times and my local petco is going out of business. if they can't find a home for me they are going to feed me to a snake. can you fucking believe it, a snake of all things, this is not anaconda the movie this is real fucking life. help save me please, i beg of you. A little back ground info on me, i love to get drunk, i love running (on my wheel that is) i will smoke some weed from time to time and i just love sitting back, crackin a brew and watching a series of the show dexter, in fact that is who i am named after. cool huh.
well i will wrap things up by saying that i hope to see you walk through the front doors within the next week. you pick me up and i will supply the booze, sound like a deal?
thanks playa, can't wait to change my name to dexter scothern.

p.s. america - fuck yeah

Gone

Desparately Seeking...My Muse

2010-11-19T10:56:00.003-07:00

People get inspired by so many different things...god, dreams, books, music, movies, and special people in their lives. People like your best friend. It's pretty much taken me about 25 years of my life to find her. Right now your probably saying "Her?!...I know Chaz has long hair but...?". Though he is my prince charming and absolutely amazing in every way he is a dude. And there are just some things that dudes just don't get.

A night with the boys. Chaz invited me to go down to Tooele to visit one of his good friends from high school. I was an unexpected guest and Brett had made arrangements for his wife to have a night out with the girls to save her from his guys night out. So there I was partaking in guys night which I thought may be an excellent opportunity to get to know some more about this guy I was newly dating. The two of them began reminiscing about all the crazy things they had done, at which point I thought "Oh, hell! Maybe I should have done a back-ground check on this guy before dating him." Brett then repeats that he wished that he knew that I was coming because I'd really like his wife. At this point I'm seriously wondering what type of chic could she possibly be, having dealt with this group of hooligans and there shenanigans since high school. This was going to be VERY interesting.

The first encounter; you can't judge a book by it's cover. She was beautiful, witty, funny and above anything else she had this unmistakable sweet innocent appearance. Needless to say looks are deceiving! At the time I had no idea that I had just met my other half. A foul mouth, dirty minded, ain't gonna take no shit from nobody, buddy! She has become the friend I had always hoped to find, and has become my muse that inspired me to do so much. I look forward to the day we live closer, because I have a feeling that we will be inseparable! I love you whore! I miss you.

Need I say More......

2010-09-21T21:16:00.001-06:00

MANivan

2010-06-06T21:41:00.006-06:00

Before I begin....YES, my friends it has been too long! So forgive me. It's funny how when you don't get to see your "muse" as often your creativity comes to a screeching halt! So I will blame my fabulous Aunty Traci for giving me enough crap about my neglecting my blog that inspired my post.

An observation of life: Though in our wedding vows we promise to love each other through good and bad til death do us part, did someone forget to read the fine print? No where does it say through good and bad til we get a house, start a family,I make you sell your truck so we can have a "more family friendly vehicle", and you'll work and I won't.....

The birth of the MANivan, also know as the power of the vagina. You know you've got a man by the balls when you can somehow convince him to sell his truck for the all American family friendly vehicle...the minivan. Ladies, I'm still trying to understand myself how this tragedy happens. Does the minivan complete your fairy tale life of being the perfect family and ultimate soccer mom? At what point to you go from chasing this bad boy in his truck, to taming him, then using your "power" for such an evil. I know your telling yourself "Oh, that's not me! He wanted to sell his truck, he loves the minivan". Have you ladies lost your gawd dam mind!? Just put him out of his misery. Rip his balls off, take the last bit of his youth and manhood. Need I say more. Give men a break..after all it's a man's world but it ain't nothing without a women.

Dear Summer

2010-02-07T14:49:00.011-07:00

Dear Summer,

Oh how I miss you let me count the ways...Mexico made me miss you so much and now I have a slight case of the winter blues! Even though the rain welcomed us to Mexico and bid us farewell, you came out to play all of the other days. What an adventure we had in this tropical paradise. We loved it so much we are planning a trip back in June! I wanted to tell you about all of the amazing things we experienced during our stay, but instead I have decided to show you! Please don't stay away too much longer...I'm ready for shorts, sandals, and tank tops. See you soon, my friend!

With love,

Shay

Meet The Cock Blockers: A.K.A Our Dogs

2010-01-20T19:46:00.005-07:00

You start kissing each other passionately. You find yourself falling to the floor. The kissing becomes more sensual with each second. And in the middle of the heat of the moment you feel two warm wet tongues happily lapping at your face like they haven't seen you in years. And then my favorite word slips out, and not in a good way.

Meet CJ and Pyke, our little cock blockin hell hounds,as we like to call them. A man's best friend you say. Explain to me how interrupting a fabulous session is showing any type of unconditional love.

CJ is your typical alpha female, and is a total selfish, relentless bitch when it comes to sharing Chaz. Pyke, is well Pyke. He is a tubby lil love whore,my snugglupagas. Win his heart with food in hand. They are my world, even if they ruin a saucy loOOVE session.

The Dawn Of The Dead:The Ranting Of A Spoiled Brat

2010-01-15T18:01:00.006-07:00

You know it's friday, when your alarm goes off 5:00 a.m. and the first words out of your mouth are "FUCK!". Oh wait! That's just me (sorry daddy, I mean !@#$*). Since princess here only works Monday thru Thursday, usally I'm lost in my dreams in my warm bed, snuggling to my puppies. But the boss man thought it might be good idea to get in so me extra days before we take a week off in Mexico. Good idea right? Wrong. Just imagine, again dam it, close your eyes. The ten of us, and might I mention nine of us women, somehow found the gumption to roll our asses out of bed and drag our sorry selves to work....on a friday! Heaven forbid. Needless to say it turned out to be the dawn of the dead!

Isn't It Ironic

2010-01-10T16:49:00.010-07:00

With only 15 days until we leave for Mexico, I some how have managed to find a plethora of swim wear and SPF 80 for my UV challenged husband, all in the dead of winter. Not an easy task might I remind you. I'm ready for for some fun in the sun! Just imagine...close your eyes DAM IT we're imagining. The sound of the waves crashing, the suns warm gaze beaming on your skin, digging your toes into the warm white sand, and all 13 of your co-workers, 3 of their husbands, your boss and his wife, by your side the entire time....

Vacation- leisure away from work, time devoted to pleasure, rest, and relaxation.

Introvert-an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge." Also known as SHAY.

Shay=Introvert. Vacation+Co-Workers+Introvert=EXHAUSTION. Remind me again of the definition of vacation. And then of introvert. See anything wrong here? Bittersweet irony. Will I need a vacation from this vacation? Yeah, yeah, I know. I have a great boss, who's taking our entire office to Mexico for a great team building, goal setting experience, and for the most part I enjoy working with all of them, why am I complaining? Playing with them is an entirely different story. Let's just say the resort is ALL-INCLUSIVE, food and ALCOHOL ALL-INCLUSIVE. This little introvert plans to keep a happy buzz the entire time, not sloppy, just HAPPY!

A Sad Day...

2009-12-29T10:00:00.004-07:00

Today I heard the news. My very most favoritest band's drummer passes on. Only 28. My age. I must say I'm hesitant to find out the cause. Gotta love that Rock n Roll life style. I have been a fan for about ten years, watching their music evolve and awaiting the new. The Rev can never be replaced but I can only hope that they push forward and continue. My heart is with you Avenged Seven Fold....

Beatrix Ananas Comosus

2009-12-17T16:51:00.006-07:00

Since the Leavitt's have not decided on a name for Baby Girl Leavitt due in February, for bonding purposes, I have taken it upon myself to call her Trixie Pineapple for now. Every spare minute I get I'm always pondering about possible names. I have found that I like very unusual names, like Tatum, Monroe, Gage...Matt has a tendency to like VERY traditional names. BORING! While Ash likes popular names. So far I believe the names on the list of possibilities consist of: Isabella, Mckinley, Hadley, Claire, Lily, and Briley. The suspense of not knowing is killing me!

The phone rang. "Hello?". "Hi, Shay! It's Matt. I'm calling because we have decided on the baby's name and we wanted you to be the first to know". At this point you can only imagine my excitement. I'm not sure but I may even have squealed. "Beatrix Ananas Comosus". "What???", I said in confusion. "Bea-trix A-nan-as Co-mo-sus", he replied. I sat in a stupor while he explained. "Well since you call her Trixie Pineapple, Trixie is short for Beatrix and Ananas Comosus is the scientific name for pineapple...". Once the light went off in my head I burst out laughing. Only Matt would be witty enough to come up with that!

So I guess we all will have to wait til the lil shit gets here to know her name. Hopefully it won't really be Beatrix Ananas Comosus. But until then, keep the suggestions coming!

I Call This One Blue Steel...

2009-12-12T09:56:00.003-07:00

You've seen it on every social network out there. You may have even done it yourself. But why, I ask, WHY? Do you feel like a super model? Does your fat ass look skinnier suck'in in those cheeks? Is it supposed to be funny or serious? Can someone pleeasse explain this "Blue Steel" epidemic???

Almost everyone on Facebook and other social networkings as at least one of these poses. And everytime I see one, a bad case of Turrets takes over, and the fact I think they look like a F#%$# retard races out of my mouth. "It's supposed to be funny", you say. Funny I get. But do you really think all of those pre-Madonna mini hoes do it because it's suppoed to be FUNNY???? I think not.

Schlange-isms

2009-12-09T20:11:00.005-07:00

The Schlange family always keeps me guessing. You never know what will fly out of their mouths next...turrets? maybe? Due to my adventures with my enigmatic family I have decided to share thses things my blogg'in buddies.

Mason, This One's For You: Sometimes I wonder about the kid. I have often wondered if he is one short of a six pack, if ya know what I'm say'n. He is the ultimate super jock. He seems to have stored mountains of useless football trivia in that brain of his, which has taken the space meant for much needed common sense. But somehow manages to be hilariously witty. No matter how many times we correct him on the pronunciation of our last name, pronounced slang-e, he insist on saying SCHA-LAN-GEE. He pretty much doesn't care what anyone thinks of him and calls it like he see's it. He always likes to mention how we all envy him for his "luscious mane of hair" and how we all wish we had his "rock'in body". Muscle milk is an essential ingredient in his jock diet. The kid is pretty much allergic to anything and everything you could imagine. Wearing jeans for him is a travesty, he'd prefer his"jock clothes", because of how comfortable they are. And no matter what he has to one up Chaz, to prove how much better he is than his big brother. Now that I have given you a brief history on Mason, let me share with you his thought he shared with us the other day. Literally this came out of no where. He began to share "...so one day, when I have a kid...I'm gonna name him Urijah (ur-i-a)..."and if me and my wife can't have kids, I'm gonna adopt a black baby and name him Jacory (ja-cory), and I'm gonna teach him to be good at football....and one day he will play for the NFL...". At this point I remember feeling dumbfounded! What kind of 16 year old thinks of this shit! Only Mason......

A Dragon! Not A Fairy!

2009-12-01T21:53:00.008-07:00

My initial reactions was "Oh Hell! He's gonna be a flamer....". I made the mistake on complimenting him on his fairy wings. He angrily informed me that he was not a fairy, that he was a DRAGON! As usual he quickly forgave me and said that he was going to make me my very own set of dragon wings so we could play dragons, and scratch and blow fire at each other! The pleasures of being Uncle Shay.

Coming Out Of The Closet: Confessions Of Yet Another Snuggie Lover

2009-11-25T10:23:00.008-07:00

Does this look like pictures of a Snuggie Hater? I think not! Brett it's time for you to come out of the Snuggie lov'in closet buddy.

After being ridiculed about becoming a Snuggie owner, Chaz and I couldn't resist purchasing Brett one of his very own. We knew Brett, being Brett would have a scandalise b-lated birthday present for Chaz, so it made the purchase even more sweet.

The door bell rang, Chaz answered the door to Brett and Kaylyn singing "Happy Birthday", in one hand holding a bouquet of brightly colored balloons with little penises all over them. In the other a cake with several brightly colored, lit penis candles. At this point you can only fathom what Brett may have in store for Chaz. Then he hands Chaz a DVD, he cautiously opens it. Inside a disc with a very fancy doodle of....that's right, a penis and a world's smallest condom. The title on the disc says "Best South Park Episodes", Chaz gives a sigh of relief. Later that evening we decide to watch "Best South Park Episodes". Chaz questions the fact that there are previews before this homemade collaboration. Very wittingly, Brett responds with " Yeah, I wanted it to seem real". For a moment it pacifies Chaz's curiosity. As the movie title appears as "Broke Back Mountain" and not South Park, Chaz keeps a good distance from the television, repeating and laughing "What the F#$*%, Hell No". I'm not sure why Chaz kept his distance from the T.V., it was like it had black plaque. Maybe he was afraid of one those cute gay cowboys reaching out from the T.V. to get him?!

I don't really need to tell you the story about Brett getting his present....you can see for your self! I appears that he really digs his new designer cheetah print Snuggie!

Happy Turkey Day!

2009-11-25T09:21:00.003-07:00

The day of pure gluttony approaches! And we all without realizing, eat and eat, and eat.....after the traditional binge, you reach the point when getting up to pee seems like a ridiculous thought. Once after many hours just sitting there with our pants undone, the temptations of having yet another helping seduces our taste buds. Wiping the drool from the corner of our mouths,we heave-hoe out of the chair, and give in.

Food for Thought:
I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
-Jon Stewart
I love Thanksgiving turkey...it's the only time in Los Angeles you see natural breast.
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
Here I am at 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt! -Roseanne Barr

Visiting The In-Laws, Out In The Boonies... A.K.A Gray, Maine

2009-11-22T14:24:00.004-07:00

Isn't it great how your social life can be put on stand-by when life forces your closet friends to be unavailable. Of course you have all heard me bitch and complain about Brett getting a job, therefore infringing on me and Kaylyn's weekend escapades. But to make matters worse, my other best friends, Ashley, Matt, and Hunter are also gone....gone far far away, visiting his parents in Gray Maine. I'm sure I could only in my wildest dreams possibly imagine all the adventures one could have in the desolate wilderness of Gray. Though I have never been, I can almost see it as though I were there.....

The smell of wood burning in the fireplace. Bonnie, Matt's wonderful Betty Crocker-like mother, is probably sitting in her old rocking chair, with her long hair twisted in a bun at the top of her head, knitting while the chatter of CNN news plays in the background. Ashley sitting on the couch staring at the long pointed sticks, twirling in Bonnie's long graceful hands. Boredom induced, she finds herself pondering on all the many ways one could kill themselves with them. She blinks, interrupting her long disturbing day dream. She notices the book she brought in case of an emergency, sitting on the coffee table. For a brief moment the thought occurs to her to pick it up and actually start reading it. The door slams. David (Matt's dad whom is a man of few words and reminds me of Paul Bunyan), Matt, and Hunter walk in. The boys have just gotten back from shooting. Matt proud of the huge buck he shot, Hunter in tears cuz daddy just killed Bambi...

Ashley, I'm sure your are bored out of your mind without the great company of your closest friends. So I made a list of all kinds of fun adventures you could seek and do while in Maine.

1. widdling wood into the shape of a wooden pickle

2. go rock collecting and then paint them into rock creatures

3. visit the Gray Historical Society Building

4. seek treasures at the local swap meet and yard sales

5. sit on the front porch and learn to play the banjo

6. have a non-alcoholic beverage at Maine's famous Loose Moose Saloon

7. compete in a lawn mower race

8. attend Matt's class reunion and stare at all the ugly homely girls

9. hits some balls at Gray's Spring Meadows Golf Club

10. go shooting and blow some shit up

11. paint your toe nails

12. paint Matt's toe nails

13. eat a bag of pop rocks, chugg a pepsi and see what happens

14. go to their church and steal one of their hymn books

15. eat some frozen custard at Hodgman's

16. take Tylenol PM and see how long you can sleep

17. become the ultimate Yo-Yo master

18. visit town cemetery

19. have Bonnie teach you to cook

20. make a macaroni noodle art piece

21. grow a mullet

Ash, I hope these awesome suggestions help pass the time. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! We miss you!

My Buddy, My Buddy, My BUDDY & ME

2009-11-18T17:27:00.003-07:00

We may both ride the short bus...but nevertheless she is my best friend! Whom I have not seen, ummmm yeah! Whom I have not seen since Halloween. What the hell! Thanks Brett, thanks a lot. You have to go and be all richy rich and get a job. Can't even tell you what a bummer it has been. She's the only person that gets my dry sense of humor. She's the only person I can call a whore and expect the same endearing term in return. She's the only person that I can get slopppy with and shake my rump with. She's the only person who I can act like a total dumb ass around, and not worry about what she may be thinking of me. Purely due to the fact she's probably acting like a total dumb ass too! It's amazing what good friends we have become in such a short time. And I get to see her in just 3 days. What would I do with out her...my partner in crime.

SnuggieLicious: Confessions Of A Snuggie Lover

2009-11-18T16:49:00.003-07:00

It's just plain embarrassing. What can I say. For me, they have always been the little nerdy kid at the playground that you push off the swing and laugh at. The butt of many jokes. And now I have committed the ultimate sin. I own one. You heard me. Let's just see if my fingers will actually let me type it...I own a Snuggie. Now that you have done your appalled gasp, let me continue. Who was dumb enough to actually make a blanket with arms and think people would actually buy them...a mother-f#$%* millionaire that's who! As for me the last straw was "the new fashionable designer snuggie in cheetah and zebra print". Who the hell can resist zebra print! Seriously,come on folks! And to make matters worse they now have Doggie Snuggies! Like the many of the "As seen on TV" fads, I'm sure it will eventually die. But I will be able to look back and laugh at the fact that I actually bought one!

The Light At The End Of The...Tunnel?

2009-11-15T16:27:00.003-07:00

As I was starting my new blog entry, Chaz asked me what new, crazy thing I was writing. I began to tell him I was gonna write about me being burnt out on optimism, so many people in my life are constantly in one never ending shit storm after another. How helpless I felt when my best friend called me up crying to tell me some not so good news or when my dad is sad and frustrated about of my step-moms undiagnosed health condition.
Then I got the look. He said "people don't wanna read about that stuff." I knew what he was saying was true. I hate reading things that leave me feeling wounded. I had to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be the in the direction we are wanting but there is always a light!

What The Hell Is Beer Pong!

2009-11-05T20:15:00.003-07:00

A drinking game in which players attempt to throw ping pong balls across a table into an opponent's half-filled cups of beer. Players are required to drink the beer from any of their cups into which the opponent throws a ball. The first player to hit all their opponent's cups wins. The loser is required to drink whatever beer is left on the table (in opponent's cup). For sanitary reasons a cup of water is kept at either end of the table to wash the balls off after each throw, but if you've ever played you know it doesn't really help!

DO NOT DISTURB: Chocolate Fantasy In Progress

2009-11-05T19:53:00.005-07:00

We are pathetic, I know. While my best friend attempts to eliminate srum-diddley-ump-cious things from her diet, as you can see Pyke and I are indulging. Some how the fact I have lost a few pounds, gives me an excuse to "reward" myself. And there is nothing better than having a buddy that totally supports your horrible decision!

Night Of The Living Dead!

2009-10-31T14:00:00.007-06:00

What a night! We all survived. No one passed out on the drive-way this year! No serious injuries or hang overs, another than Jesus had a few bruises from all the break dancing! That's what I said...Jesus, not HAY-SOOS, but actually Jesus. Our friend Del came as Jesus!

My day started off early, getting the entire house decorated. Unfortunately I was solo due to every one's work schedule. A trip to "the Walmart" and then off to the Liqour store. Woo-Hoo!Which I love, because the clerk always does a very cautious examination of my drivers license, then my old balls don't feel so old.

Chaz made it home early, so we could put his hair in curlers...which by the way he looked fabulous! Then I started on his make-up! Once I got his done, I helped Brett finish up and started with Kaylyn's, Chris's, Zach's, B-Ray's, some Chinese foreign exchange student's, and finally myself. I don't know why everyone wants me to do their make-up...I only worked in cosmetics for a couple of years, so I can't say it's a talent, but I enjoy it.

Slowly everyone made their way to our Dead Man's Party. We started the night off with Beer Margaritas, then some Midori Sour's, some Root Beer Vodka, and Ardo and I bonded over a shot of Tequila. I know what your thinking...a night destined for disaster. A wise man once said "All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me-so let's do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer."

After a little liquid courage, some of us started bust'in some moves on the dance floor. I always love having my Kaylyn with me, she is the best dance partner ever, especially since the only dance moves Chaz knows is the Hill Billy Stomp (you know, Kid Rocks' "put your legs in the air like you wet your pants"). So we danced are night away while others played the strategic game of Beer Pong! Unfortunately we all dance like a bunch of white folks, but nevertheless entertaining! But Humphries (Ryan) some how talked the Chinese foreign exchange student into bust'in some of his own moves, and that definitely took the cake!

As the night wound down, I started to see bits and pieces of my husbands costume strung throughout the house, John (who came as "Dead John") was rock'in a mullet wig, and Sasha, Ardo, and I were bust'in some crazy techno-rave like grooves. Eventually, the living dead slowly began to die away from the party.

Only a small group of us remained; Chaz, Brett, Kaylynee, Humphries, Zach, and me. My warm bath tub was calling to me, so I finally decided to hit the hay. Brett and Kaylyn had to head home, because Brett had a test in a few hours. Humphries passed out mid-conversation with Zach and Chaz, they then escorted him up to the guest bedroom (which he didn't remember)to tuck him in. That left Zach and Chaz. Zach had the pleasure of dealing with my drunk'in wild husband and his funny "back in the day" stories. My poor brother Zach...he was the last man standing.

How ever will we beat this Dead Man's Party!? Here's to next Halloween!!!

Costumes: Brett and Kaylyn- Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovitt's, Chaz and Me- Tim Burton's Mad Hatter and Alice, Zach- Betelgeuse, Chris- Cowboy, B-Ray- Pirate, Del and Jana'- Jesus and Mary Magdalen, Ardo and Sasha- Soccer player and Ref, Ashley- Fairy, Tiffany-Cinderella, Brandi and her I'm sure traumatized returned missionary date- Country Folk, Ryan Humphries- James Dean, John and Allison- Dead John and Distraught Housewife, Chinese Foreign Exchange Student-....not quite sure....

pSerendipity: I have enjoyed all your hilarious comments! I know that you have been trying to understand our love for Halloween. I have been trying to think of a clever answer to your question. Costumes? Haunted Houses? Spooky Decor? Then I decided to put in terms I knew you would understand. I guess it comes right down to this reason, just one more excuse to spend and have a great memorable time with people you love. Need I say more!

Adventure In DisneyLand! Sneak Peek!

2009-10-28T21:16:00.009-06:00

@#$*& awesome doesn't quite cut it! I had a blast in Disneyland. I'm ready to go back already but my feet may feel differently. I haven't stopped since I got home. Walked in the door and started preparing for the HALLOWEEN Party! And dammit as sleep deprived as I am right now this is all your gonna get til after the bash! I have so many fun great stories about the entire adventure. So here you go blogland, I hope this satisfies your hunger. I promise hung over 'n' all this girl will be updating you on the shin dig on Friday!!!

Two More days....

2009-10-18T10:50:00.008-06:00

Only two more days until I will be at the happy place in the world!!! Not only will I be at Disneyland for my birthday present, the entire park will be decorated for Halloween! Doesn't get better. I try not to think about it cuz then I don't sleep.

This will actually be our first family vacation together ever! It didn't start off that way though. Ash and I wanted to go on a vacation this fall. We invited my parents and the boys. They invited Keaton, my brother Zach's best friend since kindergarten. Ash invited Parker and Tiffany, Ashley's very fun sister and her husband. I invited my other lil bro Braylen. He invited his girlfriend Brielle. Then we kept the party going and asked Ashley other little sister, Linsey to go. It's going to be freakin awesome!!!

I have warned all of our guest that I go from the second the park opens, to the second it closes. No pansy-asses on this vacation. You gotta roll like a Schlange.

RedRum

2009-10-14T20:26:00.002-06:00

The other door...one more to go! Any ideas? Thought about painting my last one this gritty gray color paint my dad has, then making a white out line of a body. It would be like a murder crime scene.

SchlangeWeiser

2009-10-14T19:51:00.012-06:00

It's New. It's Improved. It's SchlangeWeiser! People of the party persuasion prepared to be WOO-ed. It's our project in progress...our new beer pong table. That's right folks, beer pong! The offical SchlangeWeiser Beer Pong Table is not quite finished, and our offical SchlangeWeiser logo still needs to go in the center. But ain't she a beaut!

Slacker

2009-10-14T19:38:00.003-06:00

I know. I feel really guilty. I promised myself at least two blog entries a week. I'm a slacker. What can I say. But my broken promise to myself, isn't without a good reason. I am blonde and have only a three track mind. Right now it's: Getting ready for Disneyland, Halloween party, and sex. So naturally I'm exhausted. If I don't get everything done for my Halloween Party this weekend I won't have time once I get back from Disneyland, and without sex I'm just plain moody. I know, it's a travesty. And that dam Martha Stewart keeps coming up with these fabulous ideas of things I need to make. The projects seem never ending. The thought occurred to me, "Nightmare before Christmas, with all this hard work I might as well keep the decor up through Christmas...Tim Burton would be proud".

One Mans Junk Is Another Mans Treasure!

2009-10-04T10:25:00.008-06:00

I went dumpster diving. Yes, that's what I said! I did the unthinkable. Dumpster diving...all for the sake of Halloween! One of the ladies at my work had noticed that there were two doors in the dumpster next to my work and thought of me and my Halloween party, how could I resist! So I drove my car over, took the dive, got them out, laid down the back seats, and attempted to put the doors in my trunk just enough to get them to my work. Not an easy chore in my little Audi, let me tell you! Then the phone call. This is the part I dreaded. My poor husband must think I'm insane already but this will confirm it. "Hi buddy, how is your day"..."Great! Cuz I found two doors in the dumpster, and they will look really really cool for Halloween, and please don't think I'm crazy, and we can store them in the attic, and can I pretty please have them?!". At this point, I am pretty sure I sounded like a little girl begging to her parents, " Mom, Dad...I found this puppy, he has no home, I promise I will walk him and feed him and clean up his poops. Please please can I keep him". Of course I get a yes! I only have one almost finished, but I thought I'd give everyone a sneak peek!

I've Got Old Balls

2009-09-30T19:31:00.004-06:00

Twenty-six more days. No, not til Disneyland. My birthday. I can just hear you now "Girl, I'd love to be twenty-eight again!". Not looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. Maybe too much. I feel like I'm at a place where I should be "grown up" and frankly I don't want things to change. Never Never Land here I come.

On a daily basis I get asked "So do you have any kids", and when I respond with a "No, not yet", then I get the look. The look that says "Oh, poor thing...I wonder why...she must not be able to have children". Only in Utah do you get married out of high school then are expected to have a family of five by twenty-five! Also now you have some friends with kids, some friends without, and your somewhere in between because you know your biological clock is ticking like a time bomb. Some part of you worries that friends will drift away because they don't feel like they fit in now, they are in a different place in life. Tick, tock, Tick, tock. It's not that I don't want kids. I actually would like two. Preferably two boys. But I fear the baby part. Tick, tock, Tick,tock. Not because I won't be able to handle it, more so because I don't (in a that whiny voice girls do) "want a baaabbby". Where the hell is technology when you need it. Why can't I put the sperm and the egg in an egg, and place it on a a comfy down comforter under a light and incubate it for 9 months. Tick, tock, tick, tock.

And then there is my body...the last six months I have gained TEN pounds. I have no idea why. I tried giving up soda pop, eating differently, and working out. Screw it all, it just stays the same. My body just decided one day that it wanted to weight more. I have always been thin naturally I now have a complex about it. And no, I will not just except "that's what happens when you get older". Has it come to this...am I really gonna have to start running marathons to stay in shape? BLAH! I'd rather starve. My eye sight continues to get worse, thank god for contacts and one day lasiks. My skin is hay wire, right now I feel like I'm in high school again. Thank god the "girls" are still looking ahead, cuz I hear that's next.

Anyways thanks for letting me bitch. And a Merry, Merry Un-Birthday To MEEEE!

An Unexplained Knowledge

2009-09-23T17:39:00.010-06:00

I don't remeber actually doing any of it. So I can't explain to you why I know it. But in conversation we all relate. Some of us actually remember the exact moment the thought accured to do it...

Crayons, earwax, glue, play dough, dirt, boogers, earth worms, and all kinds of bugs. The list could go on and on. Curiosity? At what point I decided to put these things in my mouth to see what they taste like, I'm not quite sure. I will just leave it as an unexplained knowledge.

It's The Little Things...

2009-09-21T20:53:00.007-06:00

I love being Aunty, um, I mean Uncle Shay. That is what he calls me. Uncle Chaz and Uncle Shay. It's one of the only times that I have an excuse to pretend I'm a vicious raptor, have a sword fight, or do somersaults in the back yard. This is what we decided to do tonight. All he could say was "Hey look Shay we MaTcH!". All I could do was laugh and say "We sure do, buddy!". It's defanitely the little things........

The Sad & Hilarious Truth About Being White

2009-09-19T21:05:00.006-06:00

Usually I try to avoid stereotyping...but how do you avoid the sad truth? I had no idea how white I was until I discovered this book at my mother-in-laws house. Some how we believe we are unique, but sadly we are exactly the same! From sipping gourmet coffee, reading David Sedaris (one of my favorite authors), buying vintage t-shirts, running marathons, to "gettting" Sarah Silverman's comedy. This is a hilarious book that let's you laugh at how white some of us really are!

To PEE, Or Not To PEE...That Is The Question

2009-09-19T10:13:00.004-06:00

The alarm goes off. The dreaded sound is like nails on a chalk board. You muster up strength to get up from this warm fluffy cloud we call a bed. Your eyelids feel like steel doors, as you attempt to squint just enough to find your way to the bathroom. You flick the light on. The steel doors slam down in defense. Since your brain is still asleep, your body takes you through it's everyday routine. It turns on the shower, undresses you, pulls back the shower curtain, and forces you to step in. The steamy hot water hits your cold naked body. And then it happens! Your brain turns on in a panic. You debate for a brief moment. But then your body makes the decision for you. The golden stream hits the drain. Relief.

I realize at this point you might have the "What the @#%$*" look on your face. But we all do or have done it. "What ME!"..."That's disgusting!"..."That's what toilets are for."..."I have never"..."Sick and wrong!". Come on now...don't lie. We have all been to the point of no return. Extinguishing that lil voice telling us what is right and wrong. Actually only 42% of Americans ADMIT to peeing in the shower! Have you ever gave the drain a golden shower?

VIVA MEXICO!!!

2009-09-17T19:16:00.005-06:00

Schlange's take Mexico January 26-31, 2010! Have I mentioned how spoiled I am? I thought so! Not only do I have the perfect husband, I have the perfect boss! So pack your masks and hand sanitizer... because he just announced today that he is taking our entire staff to Iberostar Quetzal Resort in Mexico. And we get to bring our hubbies! Can I get a "HELL YEAH!". I have never been anywhere like this, so naturally I'm so excited I could seriously piss myself. But since my two best friends do that quite frequently, I will refrain. Swine flu here we come!

Three Scorpios, Two Pisces, And A Dash Of Cancer: The Recipe For Fun

2009-09-16T18:19:00.017-06:00

Our close group of friends are made of three scorpios, two pisces, and a cancer. When we get together we create an unusual concoction of fun. Brett, Chaz and I make up the scorpios of the group. Three scorpios in any group is more than enough. Matt and Kaylyn our are two Pisces. And Ashley is our lil dash'o Cancer. Matt and Kaylyn bring brains and wittiness to our group. Ash keeps us boggled with her WiLd imagination. And Brett, Chaz and I always make an interesting night with our HOT-temper and humor! Let's just say with a group like this there is never a dull moment!

Scorpio

Scorpios are fiercely independent. They are the most understood sign of all. A scorpio is always complicated, their relationship are a series of extremes. They can hold a grudge against someone who does them harm forever, in fact a scorpio rarely forgives and forgets. On the other hand, once you make friends with a scorpio you will gain an amazing friend who will always have your back. They possess a truthful and shocking sense of humor! Scorpios are very intuitive, but not in the psychic sense, more so intuitive to the human mind and have a great understanding of it. They often know what other people are thinking and what their next moves are going to be. They have a fear of failure which they keep hidden extremely well. Scorpios are very sexual. Sex with a scorpio is a total emotional and physical experience with passion and intensity. They are risk-takers and have alot of physical courage. Scorpios are usually interested in extreme sports!

Pisces

Pisces people are compassionate, gentle, artistic, mystical and highly intuitive, they can endure almost anything if it will help someone else, and they will help any sick, vulnerable or stray being that needs them. In their personal lives, they are inclined to take care of friends, relatives, animals and even strangers who come their way. Pisces, being gullible, are often deceived or used by people who take advantage of their sympathetic natures. Initially they may be appear very materialistic, but that is only because they don't want to have to worry about material wants on their way to self - knowledge and fullfilment. They wish deeply to do the right thing and may become confused about their true aims and get bewildered and lost in a materialistic jungle. At their truest, they are crystal clear, unselfish, devoted, demanding little, always sacrificing themselves for others. They must learn how to use power wisely, they have vitality, have an urge to rule.

Cancer

Cancers are compassionate, resourceful, tenacious and imaginative. Fiercely protective and nurturing, they are family-oriented and also inclined to take in strays. Cancers are homebodies, but they are also sociable with those close to them (though some are painfully shy outside of their inner circles). They prefer to live with others. However, these others are generally close friends and family members rather than casual acquaintances. They are very inventive in their gifts and the receivers of such will tell you just how good they are. This romanticism is part of the Cancer aura but may keep a Cancerian living in the past instead of moving forward. Cancerians adore their children. Home and family is vital to the Cancer personality.

Here Comes The Bride...The Headless Corpse Bride Stella

2009-09-13T21:45:00.007-06:00

Here comes the bride! Isn't she beautiful! She's not completely finished. I still need to make her dress a little more dingy, put her rotting head in one hand and a bloody ax in the other! But she is coming along quite nicely!

The Luckiest Cow In The World!

2009-09-13T16:47:00.004-06:00

We all have goals, hopes and dreams that we strive to achieve. Some of them we actually get get to experience!

Chaz by nature is a BIG dreamer. There are people that DO and people that DON'T, Chaz is a "DO"er. I have always considered myself to be a supportive wife and always tell him to "Shoot for the moon...if you miss you still land among the stars".

Usually I am his cheerleader and always support his dreams. Until....

One evening, in a deep conversation sharing those goals, hopes and dreams, Chaz begins share one that I hadn't heard before. "One day I am going to have a big beautiful house, on a large piece of property...", what you must understand is the entire time he's sharing this dream I'm nodding with a smile and imagining all of it. He continued, "and I want to get a pet baby cow... raise it, let it wonder the pasture....swatting flies with it's tale, shitt'in on it's self without a care in the world...until it dies of old age. It will be the luckiest cow in the world!"

Then I feel myself being yanked out of this amazing day dream. Oh wait! I think I may have been hit by a bus, died and gone to HELL!

I forced myself to blink and replay in my head what he had just said. I start to laugh thinking he being facetious. He looked at me puzzled, as if he couldn't understand what was so funny. Laughing I blurted out " A COW?!". The rest of the evening we laughed at the possibility of actually having a pet cow...the luckiest cow in the world!

An Ode To "@$#*%!"

2009-09-04T09:47:00.009-06:00

Mother's will be mothers

The other day my wonderful step mother, Nise, ever so nicely mentioned that she had read my blog and reminded me that ladies shouldn't use such language. Now don't let her Mrs. Field's-like sweetness deceive you. Some of her favorite words include shit, damn, hell, and occasionally "FA", which is a derivative of "@$#*%!" . So I was inspired to write this Ode To "@$#*%!" .

It's a great word. What other word finds you curdled up in the fetal position, crying and pissed off at the world, and wraps it's arms around you and tells you "It's okay...I'll make you feel all better." None!

Driving down the road, some asshole in a big truck pulls out in front of you. You SLAM on your brakes to avoid your car being eaten by his bumper, like a fat kid eating a doughnut. The words that spill out of your mouth are not "You,big jerk poopy head!" It's more like "You BIG @$#*%'in ASSHOLE", followed by the finger (which is also a great way to say @$#*% you).

Now I'm not saying people should abuse the word and use it every other word in a sentence. Because then you just sound like an uneducated piece of trash. It's meant to garnish and add a little zest to a story or to intensify emotion. Not many words can be used as a noun, adjective, adverb, verb, and a pronoun!

TEN GREAT "@$#*%'in" MOVIES

Super Bad

Step-Brothers

Knocked Up

Trainspotting

Zac and Miri Make A Porno

American History X

Bad Santa

Bad Boys

Snatch

Scarface

Fabulous Ways To Use "@$#*%"!

"Are you @$#*%'in serious"

"Holy @$@*%'in shit"

"@$#*% you"

"No @$#*%'in way"

"@$#*%"

"What the @$#*%"

"I don't give a @$#*%"

WikipediA's Definition of "@$#*%"

"@$#*%" is a transitive verb meaning sexual intercourse. By extension it may be used to profanely or negatively characterize anything that can be dismissed, disdained, defiled, or destroyed, and it is due to the convergence of these two weighty concepts (sex and destruction) that the term can carry such overloaded emphasis, although it is frequently used as a mere intensifier.

"@$#*%"'s Offensiveness

The word's use is considered obscene in polite circles, but may be common in informal and domestic situations. It is unclear whether the word has always been considered vulgar, and if not, when it first came to be used to describe (often in an extremely angry, hostile or belligerent manner) unpleasant circumstances or people in an intentionally offensive way, such as in the term mother@$#*%er, one of its more common usages in some parts of the English-speaking world. In the modern English-speaking world, the word "@$#*%" is often considered highly offensive. Most English-speaking countries censor it on television and radio. A study of the attitudes of the British public found that "@$#*%" was considered the third most severe profanity and its derivative mother@$#*%er second. C**t was considered the most severe. Some have argued that the prolific usage of the word "@$#*%" has de-vulgarized it. Despite its offensive nature, the word is common in popular usage.

The highly profane term remains a taboo word to many people in English-speaking countries, while others feel the word remains inappropriate in social etiquette when used by a male in the presence of women. The word also carries a sacrilegious connotation to some. Many religious people oppose the use of profane, vulgar, and "curse" words which they see as offensive to a deity. Finally, it is considered highly offensive to utter the word in the presence of children.

CANADA HERE WE "@$#*%"in COME!

The Canadian Press now considers the word to be commonplace and has added usage advice to the Canadian Press Caps and Spelling guide.

Sailor Mouth

Nise, I hope I edited this Ode To "@$#*%" to your standards. I apologize for my sailor mouth. I can't promise I won't use it in the future, but will try. I "@$#*%"in love you, your the best mom a girl could ask for.

A Technology Tragedy: The New Ultimate Bathroom Reader

2009-09-01T18:22:00.009-06:00

What's wrong with this picture!

WTF! Seriously. Why men have the urge to go into the bathroom and waft in their own
stench for that long is beyond my comprehension. Go in. Do your business. And be done.

My husband has taken the traditional bathroom reading material to the next level. So long Uncle John's Ultimate Bathroom Reader!

Shay And The Real Girl

2009-08-31T19:52:00.012-06:00

People of the party persuasion...I am proud the introduce Stella!

No, Chaz is not into polygamy and I'm not fuckin crazy. This is Stella, my new Halloween accessory. I have spectacular plans for her! Stella the revengeful, headless young bride. I haven't come up with her entire story yet, but I'm thinking something along the lines of her much older new husband goes into a jealous rage and in his fit of rage cuts off her head. The young bride returns from the dead to revenge her death and will amputate any one who stands in her way!

Imagine this...she will be wearing an old dungy wedding dress with blood from her horrific mishap down the front of it. I will be taking liquid latex, tissue paper. pvc pipe and fake blood to create a life looking severed neck. In her right hand, an ax with blood on it from her most recent victim. Leaning next to her against the wall there will be two coffins. TA-DA! You have the coolest scene for pictures. And the best part...since we are having a dead man's party, we can get in the coffins for the pics and look like her new victims!

Stay tuned for the process of creating Stella...since I honestly have no idea what the hell I am doing!

This is Halloween, This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!!!

2009-08-29T10:02:00.012-06:00

Those that know me know my very favorite holiday is HALLOWEEN! And if you catch me on an off night I might say Christmas. I'm not sure why I love it so much. Maybe due to the fact my mom always made sure we had the COOLEST costumes growing up. Or the fact my Aunt Lisa always decorated my grandmother's foyer with very real looking mannequins dressed as a family of "I want to suck your blood" vampires. I'm talking like pee your pants real. Strange thing is I'm not a huge fan of Haunted Houses, because the first one I went to was so real I really did pee my pants. It just dawned on me...Wow, I really do fit right in with my two best friends that pee there pants on a regular basis.

Most of all I love the Halloween party part of it all! I must say I throw a bad ass Halloween party. From the fog machine, strobe lights, and black lights to the decorated back drop for group pictures! If you attended last years party you know what I sayin. Even Brett was passed out on the driveway (mainly due to Ashley's strange alcoholic concoctions, that seemed to made like this "Oh, that's a pretty color...I'm gonna add a little of this, and a little of this..."

This years party is going to be great! Kaylyn and I have decided this years theme is "A Dead Man's Party." So similar rules apply like last years party. Come dead or come naked!

Usually I start thinking of our costumes a year in advance. But this year I really have been struggling since I'm planning a family trip to Disneyland during their Halloween season. My two favorite things Disneyland and Halloween! See, who says you can't have your cake and eat it too!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with my idea for this year! I was so excited I even woke up Chaz to tell him but I could have been saying "Buddy, the house is on fire!" and would have gotten the same sawin logs response "oh, yeah that's nice babe." We are going to be Mad Hatter and Alice from the new, not yet in theatres Alice in Wonderland. But with a slight twist...you know the Queen of Hearts who is always saying "Off with their heads!", well since we need to be dead for the party we both will have severed heads! Awwwesome!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!

2009-08-27T18:22:00.008-06:00

Congratulations Matt and Ashley!

If you didn't know, now you do! Some how Matt's Super Sperm impregnated Fertile Mertle with him being home from Iraq only three days! Way to aim shooter!

Does The movie Alien come to any ones mind?

I had the privilege of getting to go with Ash to her 12 week prenatal appointment, since Matt is in Colorado at training for work (a.k.a Matt polishing up on his Nerf gun skills). Before the doc entered the room, Ash looked at me and said "Shay, don't embarrass me." Why the hell would she possibly think that I would embarrass her?!

I could tell Ash was a nervous wreck due to big red splotches spreading up her neck. She was hoping for a girl sooo badly. Dr. Naisbitt asked if she wanted to know the sex. Impatiently Ashley responded with a"YES."

'The doc pointed out the "three lines" in the ultra-sound. And ask us what sex we thought it was. Sure enough...we could see Baby Leavitts little peekachu!

Baby Girl Leavitt Due: February 25, 2010!

Deal With The Devil...or should I say She-devil?

2009-08-26T19:19:00.015-06:00

Parental Warning: Adult Content! So dad if you are reading this you may want to stop...don't say I didn't warn you. Let me start by letting you know that my used laptop that I bought a year ago has officially died, so every night Chaz and I battle like siblings to use HIS laptop. I had had it! I begged and begged to get a my own new laptop, the only response I got was a grin and a quick change of subject. Of course I shot back with my evil "Don't mess with me" glare.

In case you were wondering how pathetically spoiled I am, let me go ahead and tell you about the proposition I couldn't resist.

So we haven't been you know...mess'in around as much lately, strictly due to the fact that my twinkling pink star has decided to go on strike. Poor Chaz. So yesterday morning with quite a mischievous look he said "So what are you gonna do for me....". At first I had no idea what in the world he was talking about and stood there with a dumbfounded look on my face. He continued "How about an HJ for a laptop!" (If you don't know what an HJ is you can't afford one big fella). What can I say, I couldn't resist.

That night I got home expecting a shiny new laptop awaiting my arrival. Let's just say I actually think he thought that he wouldn't have to pay up. No laptop. A cloud of disappointment rained on my parade. So of course I did the what any girl would do. I pouted. The power of a full on pout!

I got up the next day leaving the pouting six year old Shay behind. Telling myself "you can't always have what you want."

Getting home from work I walked in the door, let the dogs out and headed up stairs to Chaz's bathroom to get HIS laptop. Why HIS laptop is in the bathroom is a whole other story. Opened the bathroom cupboard door and saw this pearly white object glistening. Reached for it and realized what it was! All I could think was "WOW, this beats Kaylyn's bag of potatoes any day."

And No, Brett or anyone else, unfortunately Chaz can not honor the same deal for you!

Joining The Band Wagon

2009-08-24T19:35:00.002-06:00

So I've done it...after all these years making fun of all you bloggers, I have officially become one! As we speak I am pulling my foot out of my mouth! Since I am so blessed with the amazing talent of picking up the phone and keeping in touch with all my friends and family, I thought that this would be a great way for them to keep in touch with me!!!

Coming to a blogspot near you....THE NEW AND SEXY BLOG DESIGN, BY NONE OTHER THAN BKS DESIGNS! Um-Yeah so until then you'll have to deal with my boring black n white. Since I'm not what you would call computer savvy, poor Kaylyn is having to teach this poor neanderthal a few tricks!!! Not that kind of tricks!